Understanding Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is a phrase that has come to mean a lot of different things. In some ways self-esteem  is a self descriptive phrase, but it has also become a controversial concept with many different meanings.  We know self-esteem is important to have, but have also been taught that it’s possible to have too much self-esteem. There are also many derivatives of self-esteem we talk about that may confuse us when we try to define self esteem; things like self-confidence, self-worth, self-assurance, self-love, self-acceptance, self-assertiveness, and self-responsibility.

For our purposes we will define self- esteem as follows:

-           Self-esteem is the health of the mind.

-          Self-esteem is the immune system of consciousness.

-           Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves.

Just like the health of the body is a consequence or effect of many inter-related causes, so it is with self-esteem. If we wish to increase our health, we can only do so by working on it indirectly- by working on our diet, our exercise, our mindset, our environment. So it is with self-esteem. If we wish to increase our self-esteem, we can only do so by working on it indirectly- by working on those things that contribute to it.

Just like a body with a weak immune system is subject to the many germs in the environment and suffers from the effects of disease on a more frequent and more severe level than a body with a strong immune system, so a person with low self-esteem is subject to the “germs” of consciousness such as doubt, discouragement, judgment, avoidance, denial, and addictions and suffers from their effects on a more frequent basis and a more severe level than someone with a healthy self-esteem.

As for the reputation analogy, to have a reputation with ourselves implies that there are different aspects to us- there is the part of us that thinks, feels, and behaves, and there is the part of us that “witnesses” or “judges” the thoughts, feelings and behavior. This is essentially true- there is the ego and there is the Spirit or Soul. You might also think of it as the “self” (small s) and the “Self” (capital S). The Self is the true self- it is “God Within”, our divine nature and potential, our inherent immortal being- that which existed prior to our birth and will exist after our death. The self is the physical or surface level manifestation that is temporary in nature. It is the physical body, its world is the five senses and the emotions, thoughts and beliefs that flow through it. Both self and Self are important parts of who we are. But for this analogy, self-esteem can be seen as the reputation the self has with the Self. I cover the different aspects of the self in Our Multi Natured Nature.

The Two Major Parts of Self-Esteem

There are two major parts to self-esteem:

1)      Self-Worth: feeling worthy to be happy

2)      Self-Confidence: feeling confident in our ability to think, cope and adapt to life’s challenges

We’ll cover each of these two major parts in their own article- because they are deserving of a more complete understanding. But we can see that both sides are important- we must feel both worthy and able to function in this life and to find happiness and meaning. They are two sides of the same coin. Without feeling worthy, no matter how able we may think we are, we will self-sabotage our progress. Without feeling able, no matter how worthy we feel, we will procrastinate and avoid required action to bring about our growth and we will feel overwhelmed by life and “stuck” as we watch life pass us by. As we increase our perception of our worth, we also increase our perception of our ability and as we increase our ability by taking on challenges and overcoming them, we also increase our perception of our worth. So the two sides act as either a virtuous cycle of upward momentum into spiritual and personal growth or a vicious cycle of downward spiral into depression and stagnation. Just know that no matter what direction you happen to be spinning at this time, you can turn it around- which is good and bad news I suppose. But that’s life.

Eight Practices for Improving Self-Esteem

There are also several important life “practices” that contribute to a healthy self-esteem. I use the word “practice” often because it’s such a great word to describe a process of working on some skill consistently, over time- like practicing the piano or the cello. It isn’t something we just decide to do and we’re done. Like practicing the piano, we start where we’re at and little by little increase our proficiency and artistry by practicing. We make lots of mistakes, but we don’t give up or feel embarrassed- we just try again with no anger or shame or even expectation of perfection because- it’s just practicing. Some days of practicing we make great progress, followed by days of seeming setbacks, and most days seem like routine without much of a noticeable change at all. But over time, every moment spent practicing contributes to the overall level of proficiency and artistry that can manifest through us. I like to think of all of life as practicing- we’re practicing to be good human beings, mothers, fathers, husbands, wives, friends, business people, citizens, etc. So- here are the practices that contribute to a healthy self-esteem:

1)      The practice of living consciously

2)      The practice of self-acceptance

3)      The practice of self-responsibility

4)      The practice of self-assertiveness

5)      The practice of living purposefully

6)      The practice of living compassionately

7)      The practice of living with integrity

8)      The practice of living selflessly

Each of these practices is worthy of their own article, and in due time it will be done.

Can You Have Too Much Self-Esteem?

I don’t believe so. It would be like asking “can you have too much good health?” You can have too much ego dominance of Spirit or self dominance of Self- but as we’ve already explained, that is actually a symptom of too little self-esteem, not too much. If we understand self-esteem to be the health of the mind, we see that health is all about proper balance- about being centered, grounded, properly functioning and in harmony. Extremes on either side are unhealthy.

People with high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves look better than others and they don’t measure themselves against others. Their joy is in being who they are, not in being better than someone else. They listen first and when they speak it is with compassion and encouragement.

Here are a few more articles that I hope will help you understand Self-esteem a little better.

Is Self Esteem A Birthright?

What Healthy Self Esteem Looks Like

John Groberg writes on a wide variety of topics related to personal and spiritual growth. His slogan is Grow. By Choice™. His articles draw out principles of personal and spiritual growth common to the world’s ancient wisdom and spiritual texts as well as many of the great philosophers, poets, and writers of ancient and modern times. These principles are then put to the test in his own life with an emphasis on simple, sustainable practices we can apply in our daily lives to more effectively deal with the stresses and struggles of modern life and to more fully realize the benefits of deliberate growth. John developed a model called the Divine-Align-Shine model as a way of visually organizing the principles, practices and the overall process of personal and spiritual growth. His writings are cataloged and organized on his website, www.johngroberg.com where contact information is available.